Well, it happened again. I got another review where the reader was unable to understand why the heroine enjoyed being hurt by the hero. It happens enough that I feel moved to blog about it.
It’s a question that kind of flabbergasts me. Why does anyone like what they like in the bedroom? I try very hard in my books to make the point that the heroines are highly turned on by whatever the hero is subjecting them to, and in my mind, that is enough.
The thing about masochism is that masochists are not always sure why they want it, they just know they want it. Actually, in the BDSM world, it’s considered very bad form to put someone on the spot and ask why they like the kink they like. I was browsing Fetlife once, and I came upon a photo a masochist had posted. She had taken 400 cane strokes — and to be honest, the picture was a little horrifying. Her ass was bloodied and torn, and afterward her Dom had taken some of the blood from her wounds and smeared it across her back. The caption, written by the masochist, expressed great love for her dominant and pride at her “accomplishment.” I scrolled through the comments and while many people said things like, “oh wow, not me!” or “How on earth did you manage to take that many?” or “how long did that take to heal?” not one person asked “why?”
Masochists resent being pegged as damaged or psychologically scarred, and they resent having to come up with a reason why they like things other people don’t like. In most cases, there is no reason. It’s just who they are. Like having brown hair, or being tall, or liking reality shows.
Masochists also resent when people equate masochism with being a doormat — another label my poor heroines get a lot in reviews. If you’re getting what you want, you aren’t a doormat. You’re an empowered, self-actualized person who is getting needs met. Even if that “need” is to be treated terribly. In a perfect world, a masochist should never be made to feel that the way they are wired is “wrong.”
With that said, I am not angry with these reviewers. I realize a lot of people who read romantic BDSM are not actually into the level of sado-masochism that I’m into, and most of them don’t realize that questions and judgments like that would be considered highly insulting to an actual sado-masochist. I do think e-romance sites need better labels so readers will understand when a BDSM title contains harder sado-masochistic play as opposed to your “bedroom bondage” and lighter sensation play. I know that would help me a lot as a reader and would probably result in a lot less dissatisfied readers. BDSM can have so many different manifestations and intensity levels.
We need more specific terms!
I liked what you said here. When I first started reading BDSM, I was slightly appalled by some of the things happening to the sub. As I read more and blog more it all became more clear to me that these types of SM relationships are truly relationship between to consenting adults and that just because it may be out of my comfort zone does not mean these types of relationships are wrong. These are not abusive relationships.
You have to be open minded about these types of subjects/relationships or immediately your mind tells you to think differently. That said if you do not practice SM, I’m not sure you can completely understand. Unless you delve deeply into the realm of the BDSM subject , I can see how BDSM to many readers, who just touch on the surface of the subject, believe it is abuse. Of course, I would agrue that these probably aren’t the books some people should be reading. Even now when I read BDSM books(which I really enjoy) and there is a particular “harsh” scene, sometimes I still have to check in and remind myself, that this about two people getting what they need/want from each other.
PS….Can’t wait to read Owning Wednesday. Mercy and Comfort Zone were great!
deleted double post 🙂
I’m the same way Elizabeth…sometimes I read BDSM books and I think…whoa, that is way too harsh for me. But I try to remember that if the folks involved are consenting, and enjoying themselves, that is what’s really important in the relationship.